She's no Lassie but...

In most respects I have a normal cat. Zuki sleeps pretty much all day, materializes instantly at my feet as soon as I even think about getting some cheese and is snuggly enough... As long as it is on her terms. Most of the time I think she likewise finds me to be an adequate person. I mean, sure, I am frustratingly slow to learn that the dry pebbles I put in her dish every morning are not food but she remains hopeful I'll come around one of these days. For the most part we each go about our days with our paths only occasionally intersecting.

There is one time, however, when Zuki seems to think I need help. I truly believe she thinks that whenever I go to the bathroom I get trapped. After I walk into this little dead end of a room I must get confused and can't find my way out so my only option is to sit down and wait for someone to rescue me. This is when Zuki leaps into action. She meows outside the door until I let her in. Every time it is the same: she lets me pet her 2-3 times while rubbing my legs and looking at me. She then sits at the door and stares at it until I open it. She leaves and I close it after her cause I'm not done yet. Since I am apparently still stuck the process repeats until I 'understand' I need to follow her out. If I can't or just don't open the door, then she cries for me to open it and then will sit a few feet away and stand watch until I emerge. At this point she always runs away as if to say "quick! This way!" Once i am safely freed she goes back to sleep and I don't see her again for hours. But I have to admit it is rather sweet in a way and it is good to know that she cares.

(very) Post wedding refiefs!

I was never much of a girly girl. I have to say I never dreamed of my wedding day or "married" my dolls. (Although I used to have audio evidence that my brother did....... hmmmmmm.......) Anyway, that being said I think if you are a girl you have at least some level of wedding likey-ness in you. For me it is voyeuristic. My particular guilty pleasures are Say Yes to the Dress (Atlanta, mainly) and Bridezillas. How can you not love watching people dress up in gorgeous gowns and crazy mixed up psycho drama? Plus, I have netflix so I just get to watch them marathon style. One lets me reminisce and the other lets me turn to Chuck and say "see how lucky you were?" (hey! I meant that respectively!) But they also make me say "wow, look how lucky I was!" Part of it was because of me- I'm pretty low key and I'm sure that made planning a bit easier. I think if you don't over plan as a 7 year old it is easier to achieve expectations. But I am super overwhelmingly grateful to my parents. Not just for paying (although I very much am!) but for all the support and allowing me to be me. Can't say money was no object but I don't think I ever heard the word no. Maybe a "we'll see what we can do" but not no. I said I didn't want "standard" and they did awesomely at providing that for me. (So good, in fact that our wedding still remains the gold standard amongst some of the attendees.) But back to the shows... I have to say I am truly grateful when it came to getting my dress. First, let me say, I was smart enough to just bring my mom shopping. Well, I would have liked my grandma and mother- in- law there but they didn't live close enough. I have seen too many episodes of Say Yes where people bring up to 13 (I know!) people with them. But I'm still thankful that my mom would have smacked me if I had tried such foolishness. Of course my mom had some opinions on what was appropriate. Luckily for me they were pretty much on the same page as what I wanted anyway. In the end I know it was just about making me happy. And when my father and grandmother saw the dress I choose they were nothing but supportive and complimentary. Nothing brings that into focus more than an episode where the mom says she is just picking out the dress she would've have wanted to wear and then actually trying it on at her daughters appointment! I wedding is not the time to live vicariously! (thank you mommy!)

Who are you again?

Lookie! I am writing! This hasn't been so much of a rambling journey as a person passed out in the corner with occasional moments of lucidity. Anyway, I am going to try to do this more this year, for better or ill. I won't call it a resolution 'cause I don't stick what i promise to do an hour into the future much less make a "resolution" for a whole year. But I'll try.

Today starts 2013. Last year wasn't a bad year.... Can't say too much specifically against it. But honestly can't remember too much good, either. I'm sure there were lots of great times- just none come to mind. The most notable things were I got a cool new fancy camera- that I have yet to really learn to use properly- and the loss of my two best friends to better places. Whoa! That makes it sound like they died! No, just moved away. One to be with her boyfriend in the greenery of the North ("lots of planets have a north!") And the one who would have gotten that reference to a cooler job in Dallas. Hey guys! As you are probably the only two people who may ever look at this I am going to think of it now as a way of staying in touch, even if you can't really write back. =)

I don't really know what has happened over the last year and a half. I went from being a part of a group who generally got along and had fun to being pretty much alone. Doesn't help that I am in the weird place at work of having a position of authority and yet no power, say, or respect at the same time. I will say that bums me out. I really wish I could follow my friends example and start over. Well, I guess I could but I really don't want to give up on the career.... so that limits my options. Really I just want some place to give me the chance. Okay. I'm depressing myself now. Change of subject, shall we? 

I don't know if it is the change of the year or just the meds kicking in but I feel like reinventing myself a bit this year. I am actually going to go do stuff. I want to take a class to learn how to use my fancy new camera. I have always been told I have a pretty good eye for pictures. Perhaps someday I could even sell a few. While I'd never outright quit zookeeping, I'd love to just trek and take nature and wildlife photography. Other than I also need to pay the bills, I am standing in my own way on that a bit. I see a lot of people at the zoo with cameras like mine and I just can't see what would make my pictures any better than theirs- other than the fact I can get the lions to turn their heads and look at me =P Perhaps if I learn more I'll get more confident about the pictures I do take. And maybe someday I'll do a camping/ photographic trek across Utah. I totally fell in love with the look of the state when moving my aforementioned friend to the aforementioned "North". I could easily spend a month wandering the highway and taking pictures. I'm going to start doing some yoga again, too. I would assuredly benefit from the exercise and the gym is my personal nemesis....... GYM!!!!!!! (shaking fist) I have found a place near home that offers classes. AND it is right next to a Kung Fu place. I have to find out the cost yet, but that is another thing I've always wanted to learn. Maybe I can finally learn some personal discipline too.

I have to go wipe away the tears of hysterical laughter now.... Happy New Year to all and good luck to me!

You have 30 minutes to justify your exsistance... GO!

Intervews suck. I know this is common knowledge but still it bears repeating. For all you people out there that can just say "I'll do my best and there is no sense in worrying about it" AND procede to actually not worry..... I hate you. Die. Of course I say that with all the love in the world. But for those of us who are not Shaolin Zen Masters, interviews suck.

Who came up with this stupid concept in the first place anyway? Can a person really sum up all of their pertanant life/ work experiences along with demonstrating how awesome they are in just 30 to 60 minutes by answering a handful of quasi- random questions? Of course not. Furthermore, who is actually fooled by it? I have sat on both sides of the interview table many times. All you have to do is Google the word "interview" and you will be bombarded with links, sites and ads. They all say the same things and and give you the same advice. Well, actually, I have to admit that the advice does sort of work. I'm too much of an animal trainer not to see how it is all about manipulating perception. Oh, I don't mean lying..... just the "never say anything negative" stuff. Your skills and education and experiences are all valid and important but really it is just about thinking on your feet and making a good impression, isn't it? Which is freaking hard to do when you feel like puking through the whole thing! Of course you try to project confidence but, lets face it, you are willfully asking a random stranger to sum up, compare and rate your usefulness. You are nervous, they know you are nervous, but that rational thought doesn't necessarily cut through their gut instinct. Which really sucks for all of us poor test takers. I've known enough people whose nerves get the better of them that are awesome at what they do as well as good interviewees who spend their first (and last) day sitting on the floor in the middle of the isle for 3 hours just reading the back of the DVDs during the first week of December. At least I can say it wasn't *my* fault that one slipped through!

On a related note: Applying and interviewing are hard enough but it sucks extra for those of us with 'non-trad' jobs. I get that the masses work in offices (doing whatever it is that people in offices do) therefore the bulk of material is geared towards them. But does it ALL have to be? After days of searching for tips, advice, potential questions ect... the best I can find was "be confident- they already know what they need to from your resume." Wow. Nerves totally calmed.

Oh darkest of days

As they say all good things must sadly come to an end. The return is immenent and the days of peace and harmony are about to come to an end. I am being vauge on purpose but those who know will understand. I can only take solace in the fact that things are not what they once were. At least after tomorrow the fear of the unknown will be over (the fears will likely be born out but whatcha gonna do?) I had a whole bunch of psudeo- poetic crypticy things swirling in my brain on my drive home. Sit down to type? Gone. Eh, short post is better than none. I guess I'll just sum up by hoping no felonies are in my future. =P

I'm sensing a theme

Hmmm... I hadn't intended to go with any type of "style" with my blog but I seem to be going that way. Oh well, I guess I just don't have that many insights that would give me more to write (which is why I am largely impotent when it comes to Facebook, too) Beggars can't be choosers, then..... On to more examples of society being doomed!

Today I have two. The first is a "coffee is hot"/ "here's your sign" type thing: Recently I bought a couple of small candles from Bath & Body Works. The candle is in a little glass jar with a plastic cover. The cover has 3 small holes so you can sample the candle's scent. The plastic cover also has printed on it "Please remove plastic cover before lighting candle." This makes me ask a few different things... 1. Who out there thinks plastic should ever be lit on fire in the first place? That is what a candle is for, after all. 2.The three little holes are not even over the wick. So how would one light the candle at all? (Although the image of someone trying to delicately thread a lit match into the hole and sideways to the wick is rather amusing....) and 3. WHY are we being polite to these people? Yeah I know we are a lawsuit happy society which is why there is a warning label on everything nowadays. I am a little surprised that water bottles don't make a point to inform you the contents may be wet. But nothing says we have to toss in the "please" and "thank you"s! I think it would be way awesomer if we could develop a way for the misused product to deliver a message afterwords instead of before. Like after you try to light the tropically scented candle and end up with the wonderful smell of burnt plastic instead the melted remains would twist themselves into words saying "well, what the heck did you expect moron?" I'm sure we have the technology.....

My second example: Recently we bought a container of juice. As with many food items oft consumed by kids, there was a game on the side of the carton. In this instance it was a word search. "Nothing wrong with that!" you say.... well you're wrong! It wasn't a word search but an abbreviation search- for texting abbreviations! Hey I am a fan of texting too. I don't have the phone glued to my hands but anything that allows me to talk without calling is fine by me (I've always had a weird anxiety inducing phobia about that.... even for stuff like ordering pizza or something. I know, I'm sad). But aren't social and grammatical skills deteriorating enough nowadays that we shouldn't encourage it at the breakfast table too? I grew up hearing you should eat a good breakfast before school to help wake up your brain and help you learn. Text lingo is fine for texting but when people start to think of it as real words then it has gone too far. One more thing for the list of "items my future children will roll their eyes at while thinking I'm being totally old fashioned and irrational about." Other stuff on there are things like 'reading an actual paper book' and 'playing outside.' Yeah, I know. I'm going to be the worst mom ever.

Who is a good monkey?

*note*- I'm going to talk a bit about behavioral conditioning. I apologize to the three out of the five people who check this that won't have a clue.

I have just spent the last week in San Francisco at a Giraffe conference. It was my first confrence and I thought it was great. My flight home is at 6am (because the lady in Admin must hate me, apparently). Since I'd have to be ready to catch my shuttle at 3:30, I figured it would just be easier not to sleep at all over just getting 2-3 hours. I guess all the TV stations got together and decided what insomniacs really need to do is get more exercise. I'm guessing it takes care of the "I just don't have the time" argument as well as the "you could tire yourself out more" argument. But I digress. Anyway, I was flipping thru the channels and I see an ad for an ab cruching machine that makes an audible click when you do the crunch "correctly." I found this to be intriguing timing as I had just spent 16 hours of the last two days in a training seminar/ workshop. The connection being is that clicker training is a widely used and accepted method of positive reinforcement training. On the one hand, it amused me to think of how people would react if they knew they were paying for the same basic technology that trainers use on dogs. I know it doesn't matter- people are animals too, after all. But as the highly evolved creatures we like to think we are, some people tend to get a bit uppity.

On the other (and more main) hand: in this instance the click is being used as a "good job!" or, to put it more technically, a bridge. (well, actually it is really just a marker signal but I won't try to hurt your heads that much. I am pretty sure no one has even bothered to read this far anyway). It is called a bridge (partially) because it links a good behavior with the promise of a reward. For that to ever truly work the reward has to be a primary basic reinforcer (usually food.... Which admittedly would not be ideal here) Thus the problem is you are getting clicked over and over for no reward. This is why this type of exercise stuff doesn't work generally. Weelllll...... I suppose you could say all the action you will get from your abtastic new physique is the reinforcer (sex is a primary reinforcer, after all). But that is crazy unlikely. A) the click isn't directly liked to that in the first place and B) that is so far temporally distant to the behavior as to be practically unusable. Basically if you had the dedication and strength of will to hold out for that uncertain reward two months from now then you'd already be going to the gym anyway.

So what do we take away from all of this? A) I was being capable of way too much rational thought at 2 am after sleeping for only six of the last 38 hours and B) my spell check had no prob at all with the word "abtastic."