The end is nigh...

We need to face it. Society is doomed.

No new tricks for this dog

I am at the start of my third winter in El Paso. It can, and occassionally does, get very cold. Normally winter hovers in the low 40's but today we are mainly in the 20-30 range. Or as I call it "finally feeling like winter." It only took until the first week of December. My life has been Chicago to Syracuse to Lansing to El Paso. To quote Sesame Street: "one of these things is not like the others!" In part that is fine as I like snow but don't really like being cold. However, the first 30+ years of my life I lived through *winter*. Weeks on end with no sun, 3-4 foot high piles of snow, sub-freezing temps and below 0 wind chills. You know, winter. I cannot, therefore, really comprehend when the city shuts down because is sunny but 25 degrees or the weather is predicting an inch or more of snow. To quote Bill Engval "hang on, I can still find my golf ball." I am not being meladramactic when I say the city shuts down. I mean if it even threatens any kind of snow the schools either close or have a two hour delay and city hall literally closes for the day! I frickin' wish! I remember once in high school that the sub-freezing temps knocked out the power and they still kept us for a few hours "in case." So I think that no matter how long I live here every year when I hear of closings and a list of 15 accidents on the radio because there is a light falling of the teeny little pellet-y snow, I shall always have the look of a dog listening to a high pitched sound and think of the many times it looked as if I was living in a snow globe. Or what it is like for it to be no big deal to stop feeling parts of my body because I was out for an hour at night shoveling.

On (another) side note: I had mentioned a while ago about the Good Housekeeping seal on the soy sauce packets. Well, I have another one. On a individual use packet of mayonnaise quothe"for best flavor refrigerate after opening." I'm all for not being wasteful but if you use so little of your condiment packets that you consider taking them home to use later you just have problems. Sorry, the truth hurts.

Muppets!

Just saw the newest muppet movie a few days ago. I must say it started out kinda weird. I mean like the oh-kaaaayyyyy....... kinda weird. But it steadily gets better and better as it goes on. But (as it has been stuck in my head ever since) I have to ask the question: corporate conspiracy to ingratiate the brand into our collective sub-consciousness or awesomest song ever?

Its dead, Jim....

For all of you who ever ask the question: No. We do not go in with the lions.

This is why.

Thunder-the-table Cats... hic!

With the arrival of the new Thundercats show on Cartoon Network- which is awesome BTW- I have gotten nostalgic for the original show. I remember watching and liking it. Let's face it, though, that was about two thirds of my life ago so I don't remember too much. Fortunately I have a Netflix subscription! Bwaa-ha-ha! For the last few weeks Chuck and I have been chewing through the old shows. It's been really fun. This was the heyday of 80's cartoons when they showed 5 eps a week for like 40 weeks out of the year. Every once in a while there is a weaker all action and no dialogue episode, but otherwise it still holds up suprisingly well. I had compleatly forgotten how all of the cartoons from then always ended with some sort of moral and everyone laughing at a bum joke. Ah... good times. As we neared the seventh disk (not even halfway) it dawned on me this would make a terrific drinking game. (goes to show how well all of those morals sank in, huh?) I haven't sat down to write anything up yet. But if you only took a shot every time Mumm-Ra added "the ever living" after his name and when the Sword of Omens was either knocked out of Lion-o's hand or he dropped or let go of it you'd be well on your way to hammered. Or, as Chuck says, on your way to the ER for alcohol poisoning.

Call your Congressman!

We need a new law. If it is 7:20 AM on a monday and someone knowingly steps in front of your car and just stands there- especially if you can't move to go around- you should be leagally allowed to run them over. That is how my day started (at least with out the satisfiying "run him over" bit). Parked car on one side of me, stopped van on the other side with 5-6 construction workers around it, and just enough room inbetween for me to drive through. At least the one guy who was originally in the way looked at me and moved to the side. But before I could go another moved in front of me and stood there to talk to his buddy. It isn't like he didn't see me- he had to walk half of the length of my car before stepping sideways in front of it. I guess he figured I wan't in a hurry or had anyplace I had to be. Just out for an early morning drive, I guess. Why else would I be up?

Maybe I have multiple personalities?

Lately I have been spam- stalked by emails claiming to be from the New York Dept of motor vehicles. These are supposedly informing me of a ticket due to a recent traffic violation and instructing me to "download and print out my plea." Okay, so I know this kind of thing is neither original or new. And at least I did at one time live in the state of New York. There are two things that make me wonder, though. One: I know these things are probably generated and sent out by automated program. But, although I did once live in NY, I did not create this email account until after moving out of the state. So someone or some thing had to do a bit of work to find my new address even though I haven't been a resident for over six years and 2 subsequent states. Which leads me to ponderable two: it is pretty insulting just how stupid they think I must be. Unless I totally blacked out for two weeks and have mentally constructed a new reality- and my imagination is not that good- I'm fairly certain I have not driven all the way from TX to NY where I allegedly got a speeding ticket. But the more obvious thing is it isn't even being sent to me. It is headed with "the person described above." Ok I am in the midst of the list of 20 or so addresses but the main address is not even mine. So, on one hand there is all that effort of searching some database and finding me but then no effort to hide the other 19 people who appearantly also got tickets? Wow that must have been one busy street! And we all know how official agencies like to publicize info like that. It is a good thing I'm smart enough to notice things like this. I couldn't afford to pay off a ticket right now anyway.... well at least not until that check from Nigeria comes in.

The reason I work with animals

*I was told I should add this so here it is: yes, sadly, these are all things actually said by visitors.*

People are special. I don't mean in an "I love you, you love me" way. I mean special. As anyone who looks at my profile will know- I'm a zookeeper. I work in an exhibit called Africa. You can't miss it. It is litterally all up in your grill as soon as you walk into our zoo. Big 'ol sign- in two languages no less- that says it is Africa with an actual satelite view photo of the continent. So we have established: Africa. Big hot triangular continent. Right.

Allow me to take you on a partial virtual tour. When you first walk in you have our cat exhibit with one lion and three tigers:

What? You say that is one male lion with three lionesses? Not tigers? I mean they don't have manes..... hold on........

 

Sorry I just don't see any difference. Anyway, lets move on. Next you get to see our chickens:

and our majestic møøse:

and on to our prarie dogs:

No wait, those are gophers... chiwawas........ ring tailed lemurs........... kalamari......  Well, one of those anyway. Huh? Meerkats you say? Naw, can't be. Meerkats are much bigger and are purple with horns and poop jelly beans. Well at least one thing is for certain, they are cuter than rats.

Onward! Our final stop on our journey is to our hedgehogs:

What? You can't see them? They are right there next to our rabbit, Harvey. Perhaps you can't see them because they DON'T EXSIST! Not that a total lack of signage and the fact that we have never had, nor any mention was ever made to have hedgehogs could have given any kind of clue.

Well that brings us to an end. We do have a few other animals in the area but know one has told me what they are yet. I'll keep you posted.
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Special Møøse Effects       OLAF PROT
Møøse Costumes              SIGGI CHURCHILL
Møøse Choreographed by      HORST PROT III
Møøses' noses wiped by      BJORN IRKESTOM-SLATER WALKER
Suggestive poses for the
  Møøse suggested by          VIC ROTTER

Sorry.... I've been tied up.

So everyone is aware:

Now I know there isn't much of the month left but a lot can still be done in a week if you are determined enough. And if you need any advice perhaps you should just ask Kelly:



I had always wondered exactly why she was so popular. I guess this answers some of those questions.

Ahhh.... Albuquerque..... such a friendly place!

On a completely random note: Did you know that the packets of soy sauce you get at a Panda Express come with the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval? Indeed it boasts a "limited warranty to consumers.... Replacement or Refund if Defective." So the next time you find your free soy sauce defective feel free to march up to the counter and demand a refund.



Oatmeal anyone?

Firstly, I have to say this because I'm a girl. This is totally cute! Widdle froggy on a log!

Ok- now that the estrogen is out of my system... what the crap?!? This item is a bathtub faucet cover to protect kids from hurting themselves by bumping or burning themselves when using the bath. Seriously? I mean, seriously? I had no idea such a thing existed. Or, more accurately, that it needed to exist. It is getting a bit ludicrous the degree to which we are coddling our youts. We are letting our kids get so soft that in a few more generations they will have the consistency of gruel and be just about as interesting. Now I don't want to sound like I am a 'consequences be damned' person. Geez, I work with lions after all! If I didn't think that you need to be mindful of your surroundings and actions I wouldn't still have all of my factory original parts (shut up Chuck). I do, however, believe in natural selection. All kids have to learn- generally by experience- what they can and can't do. So in regards to this product: A) Pain is a wonderful teacher. You bump the faucet during your bath and it hurts- congratulations! You now know you are not a superhero and have developed a brand new shiny brain cell that tells you to pay attention. B) If you need this item because you bump the faucet and then cry about how the cruel, unfair universe has wronged you until mommie or daddie tells you it's ok because the faucet is evil and mean and should never have presumed to touch you in the first place and you then go forth into life bumping it again and again....... Well, you shouldn't have this anyway because hopefully then you will eventually earn yourself a Darwin Award and dutifully remove yourself from the gene pool. And if anyone reads this and thinks that isn't right of me to say because this type of product is generally meant for babies...... Well, point A still stands. But I have to concede a little on point B- the procreation has already occurred and the Darwin Award is no longer technically applicable. Besides, the poor parents already endured nine whole months of constant attachment to the child. Really, who could expect them to keep paying attention after that, especially in such a hazard free situation as a baby in a bathtub. I mean come on! There are limits to human endurance after all.

Needs must I appease them...

Verily I must have truly angered the traffic gods. That or they choose today to use me for their amusement. Isn't it bad enough to wake up five minutes after I was supposed to be at work and feeling as if I had been drugged? But then the "faster" way to work takes longer than the normal way. But hey, at that point late is late I guess. There was no way I was going to be even close to being on time. The truly evil part wan't until lunchtime. There is nothing like being about two miles away from where you need to turn, seeing all green lights and no visible obsticals/ acidents/ construction and yet only moving about one to two car lengths with every change of the lights. Grrrr...... Maybe if I set up a couple of matchbox cars and light a few candles....

The first step of a rambling journey....

Welcome to my blog. Not that I think anyone will ever read it. But that is cool. Honestly I never thought I'd write one. I have a hard time thinking anyone but myself could care about the random silliness that occasionally floats through my head. Eh, but why not? The purpose of this blog is to not have a purpose. I'm not for anything, to promote anything, or to convince anyone of anything. Just to toss my sometimes thoughts and occasional rants or raves down the intertubes. (Although I reserve the right to the occasional soapbox). So if anyone is there at all then thanks for looking and I hope I've made you smile. Aloha!